I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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