Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize