If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
