sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize