man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
