does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
love makes seman taste better
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
