sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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