We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
