Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everyone says I win the strip club
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
