He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize