Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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