I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
