I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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