If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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