could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
splinters make it hard to masturbate
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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