so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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