All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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