at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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