Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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