Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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