May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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