I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize