i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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