Joe is yelling at the trees again.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
