When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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