I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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