What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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