Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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