Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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