All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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