I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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