My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I could fuck to npr.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize