I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
