my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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