it wasn't lemon gatorade
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
