I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
