I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
