Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
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