I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
