Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
