I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
