I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
