Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
