My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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