My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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