For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
