I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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