I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
