I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
