I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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