last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We are two peas in an std pod
Threesome in a minivan. New low
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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