I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
