Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
