I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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