I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
